NFL Week Two Recap

Hey everybody! Hope y'all are having an amazing da— hghh..ahhghhguuhhgh..UHAAGHGHHHAHEHGHGH...hhggh...ahem.. Sorry. Think I choked on something. Anyway. How about that football, huh? Pretty crazy. The Jets came back to beat the Browns after being down 30-17 with less than 2 minutes left in the game, led by none other than Joe Flacco. Oh excuse me, Super Bowl Champion Joe Flacco. My mistake. Won't happen again. The Dolphins also snagged an unlikely W, even though the Ravens were up 35-14 against them in the 4th quarter. Tua throwing 6 TDs may have had something to do with that. It's possible the Ravens forgetting how to play basic defense also contributed. But that didn't make watching it any less stunning. And Kyler Murray saved some front office jobs when he led the Cardinals to a fat, wet, voluptuous dub after being down 20-0 to the Raiders in the 3rd quarter. One Raiders fan was so upset about it he hit Murray in the face after the game. Either that, or he just really wanted to shake his hand. On a crucial do-or-die 2-point conversion, Murray evaded would-be tacklers in the backfield for approximately 10 years until he realized nobody was going to get open, so he ran. He ran so. fucking. much. He ran an estimated 80 yards around the field for over 20 seconds until finally finding a lane to the endzone — all for 2 points. And this was after Marquise "Hollywood" Brown went full Hollywood, making a miraculous one-handed TD catch. On 4th down. They would still need another TD and 2-pointer to tie things up, and Murray delivered again — on the ground for the TD and through the air for the 2-point conversion (an unbelievable throw through traffic to AJ Green in the back of the endzone). They still had to play overtime, though, and things weren't looking so good when Marquise "Hoboken" Brown dropped a perfect pass on 4th down, turning it over to the Raiders needing only a field goal to win. Raiders WR Hunter Renfrow fumbled, but his team was able to recover. Luckily, the Raiders watched that happen and said, "Yeah, let's do that again." Derek Carr, evidently forgetting Davante Adams exists, went back to Renfrow right away, and he fumbled again. This time, however, the Cards recovered and took it to the endzone in a game-ending scoop and score. Adams was targeted 7 times, but ended the day with 2 catches for 12 yards and a TD. Some of those throws might've had him rethinking things... Whether Carr can be the man for the Raiders is still up for debate. What's not up for debate, however, is that he still has immaculate natural eyeliner. And for that, Derek Carr stays winning. Even when he's losing.

You might be sensing a theme about what happened around the league this week. If not, let me put it this way:

From the Browns, to the Ravens, and of course, the Raiders, everybody was getting their choke on like me on a Friday night. Except these teams probably charge more for the experience. Shit, if they're worth it, so am I! Time to let the Grindr homies know that prices are goin' up. Damn, infellation is crazy. Other than some teams giving everybody the gawk gawk slurpatron 3000, things seemed mostly normal. The Bills look unstoppable, Mike Evans and Marshon Lattimore are still fighting, Matt Ryan is old, Jimmy G is the QB1 of the San Francisco 49ers, and Kirk Cousins is still certified booty water in primetime. It's OK, Kirk. Nobody's perfect.

I can hear this gif, and unfortunately, it lives forever in my mind rent free. Hope all of you enjoy your Femboy Friday tomorrow. And hope this update made you happier than Kirk Cousins seeing a 1:00 game on the schedule.