NFL Week Three Recap

Hewwwoooo.

It's me again — your favorite (by default) sport-watching, skirt-wearing, fantasy football-playing femboy twink. I mean, assuming you don't know any others. Do you know any others?? I need more friends.

Well, we're 3 weeks into the season and there's already only 2 undefeated teams left, so it's official. It's gonna be a Philadelphia Eagles v Miami Dolphins super bowl. RIP to both cities regardless of the outcome.

The Eagles got their 3-0 record after continuing to be Carson Wentz's worst nightmare. The Commanders QB threw a lot. And he also had 43 pass attempts. Wentz completed 25 of them and totaled just over 200 yards with no TDs. That was, until he got hurt, and in came Nick Fol— no I'm totally kidding. Although the Washington Faithful (or whatever's left of it) might've wished for something like that to happen. The Commanders were no match for Jalen Hurts, who threw 8 less pass attempts than Wentz and piled up 340 yards with 3 TDs.

The Dolphins are also heading into week 4 with an equally impressive 3-0 record after winning against the Bills. The Miami defense was on the field for practically 2/3 of the game and somehow held what's arguably the most high-powered offense in the league to 19 points, even though Josh Allen threw 63 times, completing 42 passes for 400 yards. One of those completions came at the end of the first half, where the Bills were trying to set themselves up for a field goal before halftime. The Bills looked like they were about to spike the ball to stop the clock, but Allen boggled the snap. The late spike likely would've resulted in a penalty, so he threw the ball to Stefon Diggs to the surprise of, well, everybody. The clock expired and the Bills couldn't get their pre-halftime field goal. Lesson learned though, right? Surely poor late-game clock management wouldn't hurt them again.

Oh, it would. But before we get there, we gotta talk about the BUTT PUNT.

The Fins, leading 21-17, were forced to punt from their own endzone late in the 4th quarter. The punt, however, was blocked...and not by the Bills; rather, by a pair of butt cheeks belonging to Dolphins punt protector Trent Sherfield. The ball ricocheted off Sherfield's endzone, flying backward and out of bounds resulting in a safety. The butt punt would have a profound impact on not only the game, but the world.

...The world of toilet paper and wet wipes, more specifically.

The official Charmin Twitter account took notice of Sherfield's cheeky late-game disaster, retweeting an image of the play and @'ing Sherfield saying, "Those cheeks are going to need something soft. Check your DM's."

That Tweet then garnered a response from the wet wipe brand DUDE Wipes: "We'll cleanup what you left behind...always up for the sloppy seconds."

Who could've guessed that Trent Sherfield getting his literal ass kicked would spark the biggest online brand conflict since the Great Chicken Sandwich War of 2019?

Now if you see Sherfield in a toilet paper ad, you'll know why.

Dolphins WR Tyreek Hill was impressed with Sherfield, to say the least. After the game, he told reporters, "Next time, he's gonna catch it with his butt cheeks, because he's got strong butt cheeks."

After the asinine special teams play, Buffalo took over on offense trying to get down the field for a game-winning field goal. But remember what we said about poor late-game clock management? In the final seconds, Josh Allen threw a pass to WR Isaiah McKenzie, who got into field goal range but was tackled in bounds. The Bills, with no timeouts remaining, tried to get up to the line of scrimmage to spike the ball, but time ran out. And Bills offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey was angyyy. Dorsey took his anger out on his headset, a defenseless Microsoft tablet, and whatever else he could get his hands on after somebody in the Bills coaching box covered up the camera feed.

At least they lost gracefully.

Miami will look to continue their win streak tonight against the Bengals, while Philly will try to remain undefeated on Sunday against the Jaguars.

You know we love an AZ update here, and as far as things over there are concerned, well...let's go live to Kyler Murray in the pocket and see what life is like as the QB of the Cardinals.

Ah. We'll check back another time.

Maybe next week Kyler won't have to fight for his life when the Oline breaks down immediately after the ball is snapped. Maybe it's time for some more classic Kliff Kingsbury WR screens to take the pressure off. After all, the Cardinals are down to about 2 healthy receivers, both of which are under 5'10 and about 170 pounds, which of course is the ideal build for blocking on screen plays.

If the Cards need some more depth at wideout, they'll be thrilled to know that I'm available. I've been told I'm a great receiver. Plus, I'm right around 110 pounds, so Kingsbury would have no problem sending me out there to block Jalen Ramsey on a screen. Put me in, coach. I'm ready to die... I mean win.